My Immature Retelling of the Story of Balaam

I think this is one of the most entertaining stories in the Bible, and evidence that you never know where you'll hear the voice of God: The King of Moab is kind of freaked out, cause Israel just kicked the Amorites’… uh…butts. And so he sends some of his Moabite buddies to the prophet Balaam, and they ask him to come and curse Israel. Now, Israel is God's chosen people, so god won't let him go, at first, but then God changes his mind, and tells Balaam, “OK, go ahead, but don’t do anything stupid.” In other words, don’t do anything unless I tell you to do it. So Balaam goes with the King’s buddies over to Moab. He’s riding along on his ass (you know, donkey), when God changes his mind again, and sends an angel to block the road. This is God’s way of saying “Back that ass up.”

But Balaam can’t see the angel. So this makes him a little angry, and it probably didn’t help that those Moabites where behind him telling him to “Move your ass!” So he hits his donkey. Now, this happens three times. Then the donkey starts talking. "What the heck," it says. Balaam says, “You dumb ass, why aren’t you going where I tell you?” And the Donkey says, “I've got a pretty good reason! Am I not a good ass?” And then Balaam sees the angel. “Oh!” Says Balaam. “I’m dumber than ass!” And he is, apparently. I think this is the only place in the Bible where God talks out of his ass.